Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
