idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
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Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
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I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
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