I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
