I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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