My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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