hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
