A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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