i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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