i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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