Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
