Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
