you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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