STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
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I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
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How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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