Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
