he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
someone owes me an orgasm
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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