God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
