I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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