I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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