Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
then he tried to convert me to islam
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
The dick lei will go down in squad history
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
