I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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