He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
