M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
