i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
