Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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