he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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