Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
