What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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