He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
