Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
My nipple is on Facebook.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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