The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You have to summon your inner elephant
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
