LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
