Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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