He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
