My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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