So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
