My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
