I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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