You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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