Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
