i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
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I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
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I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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