Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
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