K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
