Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
