I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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