Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
