It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
