Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
