is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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