i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
