Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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