ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
