we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
