Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
