and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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