I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
