I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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