I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
