pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I met the friendliest cop last night
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
