you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
